In the end, only teardrops…of happiness! My take on the Malmö finale

Let me ask you a question. Do you remember Eurovision 2013?

I ask you this because, approximately a million days after the final, I’ve just managed to pull myself out of the post-contest funk and do a review, and I’m not sure it’s relevant anymore.

An ancient newspaper clipping to jog your memory.

 That is, of course, a hilarious joke which exaggerates the fact that it is Wednesday and the final was on Saturday and I’m only just getting my behind into gear to write about it. But I figure, why should anyone have to get all of their thoughts about Malmö out ASAP? We should all be dissecting and discussing it for months! That’s the only good thing about Eurovision being over each year!

Hands up who wants me to stop using exclamation marks! Okay.

I am warning you now that I personally don’t intend on shutting up about Ye Olde Swedish Spectacular until something happens on the JESC front, and/or the 2014 ESC season begins. So here is one of many, many ramblings to come on the subject. These are my thoughts on the final, from top to bottom.

 

A few fascinating factoids about Eurovision 2013

- Spoiler alert (for those who have been hibernating under a rock). For the second time, Denmark won the contest in neighbouring Sweden, after the Olsen Brothers vocoded their way into first place back in 2000 in Stockholm. I wonder if this means Estonia will win next year, and Latvia the year after, and so on? Place your bets now, people.

- For the second year running, the winner was a solo female with an aversion to shoes. #justrealised

- The Malmö show proved that spending a little less of your pocket money doesn’t mean ending up with something substandard. The budget of this year’s contest paled in comparison to that of Baku. No disrespect to Azerbaijan, but Sweden did a lot with a little, which I like to call the Allen key mentality.

This looks pretty darn expensive to me.

- The show did break a record as being the edition with the greatest number of close-up hand shots in history. Well, I can assume that’s the case, because have you EVER seen so many GOSHDARN HAND SHOTS in your LIFE?

- There were 17 non-English language entries out of the 39 competing. 5 of those qualified to the final, and 3 were from Big Five countries. Of those 8, 3 made the top 10, with another just missing out.

- Norway made the top 10 for the first time since their 2009 win, Malta for the first time since 2005, and Hungary for the first time since 2007. But most impressive of all was the Netherlands, cracking the top 10 for the first time since 1999.

 

Hitting the heights of Cezar’s range: performance highlights 

France: I never saw a great result on the cards for France. And when they were chosen to open the show, all I could think was ‘Amandine is tres screwed.’ But my god, can the woman perform! She ripped into L’Enfer et Moi like it was a bag of hot chips and she hadn’t eaten for three days. She was sexy but not sleazy, very, very fierce, and above all taught us that the clichéd singers wear metallic fringe, while the classy ones wear leather fringe.

Moldova: I couldn’t wait to see Aliona in action again after the semi, and apart from one crack of the old voice, she did not disappoint. From the sound to the look to the choreography, Moldova brought it this year.

Belgium: For the first time in a long time, Belgium was in the final AND I was over the (Aliona) moon about it. Roberto looked pretty happy that Belgium was there too, and that made for an excellent performance. I have officially forgiven them for the Iris snoozefest.

Malta: Has anybody ever been as happy to be at Eurovision as Doctor Bezzina? His face must be aching from that smiling, but I’m sure he can prescribe himself something to ease it.

Why so serious?

Sweden: The walking, talking cuteness that is Robin Hcqwernberg (just wanted to have a go at spelling it how you say it) finally made it…back to the Malmö Arena where his Melodifestivalen semi was held. But hey, it was a different stage, and he was wearing a different jacket. His was one of my favourite acts of the night, and to anyone who thinks he can’t sing, I point you to this three minutes and ask ‘are you freaking kidding me?’

Hungary: I don’t know if this was by accident or on purpose because of that laid back/apathetic vibe ByeAlex has about him, but his vocal was more solid on Saturday than it had been on Thursday, and that combined with the reaction from the audience and the quirky backdrop (and my endless love for the song) charmed my socks off. Not literally – it was a cold night – but still. I swooned.  

Azerbaijan: Hold Me is without a doubt my  grower entry of le year. I’m really digging it now, but I won’t deny that the slow clap-worthy staging had a hand in it. Farid was basically as consistent as he had been in the semi, and I marveled once again at what was going on under and around him.

Someone’s never heard of thinking outside the box…

Norway: I loved everything about this performance. Though it was similar to the original from MGP, the subtle differences (i.e. the fact that someone took to Margaret’s dress with a bedazzler and some pinking shears) showed some effort.

 

Lower than Moran Mazor’s neckline: performance lowlights

Russia: This was not as slick as it was in the semi. Dina’s hair was limper, her vocal wasn’t as impressive, and those light-up balls were thrown into the audience a little too late. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleased, since those tiny errors spelt N-O  W-I-N  F-O-R  T-H-E  R-U-S-S-I-A-N  C-H-E-E-S-E.

Germany: I was looking forward to Cascada in an über-big way, but something didn’t click. I’m not sure what it was – Natalie’s vocal was good, her outfit was much less trashy than that of Unser Song, the stairs were cool…but it just didn’t have the same impact as it did in the NF. I guess the editing of Glorious into an ESC-sized version with less build and drama could be to blame.

Romania: This is a lowlight strangely based on how good (albeit in a bizarre way) it was. I got a teensy bit scared that Romania could win, or at least make the top 10, and that the press would have an absolute field day mocking such a ‘typical’ Eurovision success. Also, none of the glassware in my house made it to Cezar’s final pose unshattered. I’m going to be sweeping it up for months.

‘World domination via Eurovision? Genius! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!’

Georgia: Watching this, keeping in mind the flood of tips for it to win, I couldn’t help feeling depressed. As much as I’m keen to see a Georgian contest, I really didn’t want it to happen with Running Scared 2.0 – a nice, Swedish-penned ballad sung by a male/female duo who were quite touchy-feely with each other and were showered in sparks (not love) as the clincher. I felt that Sophie & Nodi were more than competent, but kind of soulless on the night.

 

What about the other entertainment of the evening?

- The opening act combined a choir, half of ABBA, a bit of the Olympics and a dash of Junior Eurovision and the result was a testament to the different approach SVT took to this year’s contest. In other words, I hadn’t seen an artist parade before in my Eurovision lifetime bar the mini version, and that’s a part of JESC I’ve always loved. So that was good. Thanks, SVT.

- In the middle came another reprise of sorts from Loreen, who distracted us from her continuing lack of footwear by modeling extreme feathered shoulder pads/hanging from the ceiling/et cetera. It was just an average day on the job, basically.

- Petra’s Swedish Smörgåsbord had ‘Melodifestivalen’ written all over it, and it was glorious (can I use that word without being sued by Cascada?). I would pay to go and see an extended version. It was unfortunate that Carola exited so quickly and ungracefully, but at least we know she doesn’t mind making a fool of herself.

You can’t get meatballs this size at IKEA.

- Sarah Dawn Finer on the Eurovision (satellite) stage at last! This was the woman most of us wanted to host the show, and her performance was our consolation prize. I wonder where Lynda Woodruff was at while SDF was doing her thing? You know, I’m starting to wonder if they might be the same person…

 

The final scoreboard – expectations, shocks and surprises

1. Denmark 281

So the favourite turned out to be the favourite for a reason. Fair enough. Only Teardrops wasn’t my ideal winner, but it makes a worthy one, and I’m glad that 2014 will take us to Copenhagen (probably) rather than back to Baku so soon.

2. Azerbaijan 234

Unlike Running Scared, I would have been happy to see Hold Me win based on song and performance. That staging was pure genius. Yeah, yeah, Eurovision is a song contest…but don’t think the visuals have nothing to do with anything. Still, 2^nd place is another excellent result for this country.

3. Ukraine 214
4. Norway 191
5. Russia 174
6. Greece 152
7. Italy 126

And Italy does it again, with class and minimalism (and a spiffy blue suit). In your face, haters. I do think this should have beaten Russia.

8. Malta 120
9. Netherlands 114
10. Hungary 84

Places 8, 9 and 10 all make me happier than Gianluca on holiday at Disneyland, for different reasons. In Hungary’s case, it’s because a country that struggles to succeed sent a humble, native-language song that I adore to pieces, and was surprisingly rewarded for it. Doctors and philosophers = Eurovision triumph.

11. Moldova 71
12. Belgium 71

Now this was a shocker. After Roberto miraculously qualified (5^th, no less) I expected Belgium to come undone in the final. But it seems enough ordinary folk and haughty jurors saw in his song what I do to get him a respectable score.

13. Romania 65
14. Sweden 62

This isn’t a dreadful finish by any means, but as president of Team Robin, I was hoping for more. I actually think representing the host country worked in his favour – if he hadn’t been, I suspect he would have ended up lower. I still don’t think YOHIO would have done better.

15. Georgia 50
16. Belarus 48
17. Iceland 47
18. Armenia 41
19. United Kingdom 23
20. Estonia 19
21. Germany 18

I’m confused. I know I complained about the performance earlier, but Glorious still went off, and I would have at least expected a top 15 result for Germany. I blame the draw. Still, it might be time for Deutschland to revert back to the Unser Star format.

22. Lithuania 17
23. France 14
24. Finland 13
25. Spain 8
26. Ireland 5

It’s Tooji all over again, but with less points and a much better vocal. I don’t get it. Why wasn’t the UK all over this?

 

So those are a few (…) of my musings on what went down last weekend. Like I said, 100 years ago at the beginning of this post, there will be more to come, including the handing out of my awards for Eurovision Excellence, and non-excellence. There will be a people’s choice award this year, so look out for that very soon. In the meantime…

 

Got some personal highs and lows of the 2013 finale? Let me know below!

 

Final-ly! My pre-final verdict on the Malmö semis

Hello again! I’m back, at least for this brief window of time during which I’ve seen both semi finals of Eurovision 2013 but the final hasn’t happened yet. Tomorrow I’ll be avoiding even the slightest whiff of a news report from anywhere, until Monday when I can make another comeback to complain about the winner. I bet you’re looking forward to that already.

……

Anyway, I had a lot of stuff to get out of my head and onto le blog in the wake of semis 1 and 2. At last, here it is.

 

 

SEMI 1

Watching this first installment on Friday night, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was watching Melodifestivalen. That may have had something to do with the location, and the fact that the children vs. Loreen reprisal of Euphoria we saw back in March kicked off the proceedings. But the intimate feel of the stage also gave me that impression. Then Austria opened the show and I started to feel Eurovision-esque again (yay!). Here’s a quick review of Austria and the fifteen countries that followed, as well as some thoughts on the other entertainment, and the results.

 

The performances

Austria: A good opener. Natália sounded great, and that white shirt/jeans combo wasn’t nearly as dull as I was expecting. She looked radiant, which is appropriate. You know, ‘cause of her song. Shine? Oh, never mind. 

Estonia: Birgit was radiant too, but for a different reason (why can’t my mother have participated in Eurovision when she was pregnant with me, dammit? That is too cool). Again, she looked and sounded luverly.

Slovenia: This was the ‘wow’ act of the evening for me. Straight Into Love came off amazing in the arena, and Hannah belted it out like there was no tomorrow (which there wasn’t, if ‘tomorrow’ is a metaphor for ‘chance of qualifying’). Fierce costuming, too.

‘Ta-daaaah! I got into my leather pants without any assistance!’

Croatia: Sigh. This was so beautiful I almost wept. And it’s going direct to my list of songs that should have qualified.

Denmark: It was decent, but I felt nothing. Oh, except a tinge of horror when the pyro curtain went off and I had a flashback to Running Scared.

Russia: Dina really is ‘The Voice’ of Russia, isn’t she? Stunning vocal. But everything else, especially the part when the backing singers “spontaneously” joined hands, was as contrived as the song.

Ukraine: Apart from the cringe-worthy camera shake at the beginning (I can’t help being offended on Igor’s behalf) this was another top-notch performance from Ukraine. Zlata made that papier-maché boulder look so glamorous.

Netherlands: Good use of the satellite stage by Anouk, and a lovely background on the main stage too. Her voice was haunting. *Insert scary ghostly noises here*

Montenegro: Sexy cyborg Nina made this performance. She sounded so studio-perfect I had to wonder if Montenegro had found a way to sidestep the live vocal rule. BTW, does anyone see the correlation between astronauts and cyborgs? What kind of party was this?

Lithuania: Eyebrows. That is all.

Belarus: I’m trying to figure out whether this was more Eurovision 2005, 2006 or 2007. Any way you look at it, it’s dated. Alyona also forgot to wear pants, but I’ll forgive her because her stilettos were totally fabulous.

Few people are aware that the Chicken Dance originated in Belarus.

Moldova: Actually, there was another ‘wow’ act, and here it is! That dress, that hair, that voice, that random dude at the piano who definitely didn’t represent Moldova last year…epic.

Ireland: Ryan Dolan obviously made a pilgrimage to Georgia sometime in the last few months and stocked up on their magical singing potion. That’s the only explanation for his almost flawless rendition of Only Love Survives.

Cyprus: Nice dress. How does the song go again?

Belgium: That’s my boy! Thank the Eurovision gods that Roberto and his lady friends put on a good show. And thanks to whoever decided to have the lyrics scrolling in the background to compensate for his off-kilter English pronunciation.

Serbia: I loved the theatrics of this, especially from Sara. But it was theatre that would have gone better with the old angel/devil outfits, not those candy-coloured crimes against fashion.

 

The in-betweeners

- Petra as the single lady (oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh…) host came off a bit more scripted than I was hoping, but she did a good job. I did enjoy that joke about the potential 2013 slogans.

- For those of you who saw it, the skit to celebrate 30 years of Eurovision on Australian TV was naturally a highlight. I am slightly put out that I wasn’t invited to take part. Ha ha ha.

- I loved the journey through contest history, with Petra popping up in different decades by way of extremely well-executed computer graphics. ‘Merci’. ‘You’re welcome.’ ‘Merci’. ‘Yes…’ ‘Merci.’ ‘YOU’RE WELCOME!’ = hilarious.

- There wasn’t enough green room coverage for my liking, although I’m suspicious that a chunk was edited out of our broadcast. It happened last year, and I was not amused.

- The interval act was nice to look at, but I’ve got to admit, I’ve never been skilled at interpreting interpretive dance.

 

The results

Qualified: Moldova, Lithuania, Ireland, Estonia, Belarus, Denmark, Russia, Belgium, Ukraine and the Netherlands

I predicted: Croatia, Denmark, Russia, Ukraine, Netherlands, Moldova, Montenegro, Belarus, Ireland and Serbia

I feel: Pretty stupid. 7/10 is not my best-ever effort, but that isn’t the cause of the moron vibes emanating from me at this moment. For weeks, I’ve been thinking three things:

- that Estonia would sneak into the final, despite the similarities to Cyprus the Boring

- that Lithuania has a way of qualifying when it seems most unlikely, and;

- that it could well be curtains for Serbia after just one televised performance.

But last week, when it came time to actually predict, I threw all those thoughts out of the window and excluded Estonia and Lithuania from my selected ten, and left Serbia in. Face. Palm. But what is, is, so I may as well move on to the fact that I am ecstatic about Belgium getting through! I don’t even care that I thought Roberto would lose the semi, it’s so good to be wrong. Sure, he’ll probably be in the bottom 5 in the final, but just to have made it there should give him the confidence boost he needs to pull off an even better performance than he did on Tuesday.

Moldova, Ireland and Ukraine were also welcome qualifiers, and for the Netherlands to advance for the first time since 2004 was brilliant. Bravo, Anouk, a.k.a. Depressed Mary Poppins. I was not so thrilled to hear the word ‘Belarus’ come out of Petra’s mouth, and I can’t help feeling that they stole a precious final place from a worthier country (Slovenia or Croatia, for instance) but since Alyona probably didn’t come 10^th, that’s probably not true.

I do wish Montenegro had made it, but since I never expected them to, I can deal. I will miss Moje 3, however. Nevena evidently had a better knack for Junior Eurovision.

 

SEMI 2

For once, it was hard to tell whether the first or second semi was the strongest. There was a lot about this one that I was excited for, with a bunch of my top-ranked entries AND one of my favourite artists of all time featuring in the lineup. Here’s round two of my review.

 

The performances

Latvia: Another good opener – I have to praise SVT for that. PeR were also generous enough to give us, as lead singer Ralfs said himself, the first stage dive in Eurovision history. Am I the only one that would’ve laughed if nobody had caught him?

San Marino: This Valentina Monetta was not the same one who took to the stage in Baku. This one was a glamorous, charismatic lady in red with an unusual attachment to an IKEA light fitting. I loved this.

Macedonia: Two words – train and wreck. This song is best reserved for studio audio.

Azerbaijan: Damn, the Azerbaijanis can stage an ESC entry! That’s if they actually were responsible for the staging, and didn’t import that from Sweden as well. Anyway, this was very good, and while Farid doesn’t normally light my fire, he was looking mighty fine.

This is the face of a man who know’s he’s destined for the top 10.

Finland: Loud, energetic, she kissed a girl and we liked it.

Malta: Paging Dr. Adorable…oh, there you are Gianluca. This was so cute, right down to the lyrics popping up in the background in all manner of fonts. I’m a font fan.

Bulgaria: I was transported straight back to Helsinki thanks to Elitsa and Stoyan, which isn’t a bad thing (2007 is one of my favourite contests). It’s a shame Bulgaria had to learn the hard way what we all knew early on – that bringing back this duo wasn’t the answer to their problems.

Iceland: I wonder what brand of conditioner he uses?

Greece: I’ve really come to love these guys. The costumes and choreography were epic, and I’m so grateful for Agathonas’ sneaky ‘stache stroke at the end.

Israel: The song might be a tad repetitive, but Moran’s voice is incredible, and it was in fine form for this performance. As were her lady lumps.

Armenia: I was wrong about Gor’s vocal. He was in tune the whole time, and even held back on the gymnastics. Consider my words eaten.

Hungary: This was three minutes of breathy hipster beauty, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if he looked disinterested – I am in love with Kedvesem and the performance was wonderful.

Norway: I know I shouldn’t have been thinking about this, but Margaret’s shoes were kind of hideous. Apart from that, she looked as ethereal/bad-ass as ever.

‘And this is how we do the Macarena in Norway.’

Albania: Holy flaming guitars, Batman! Adrian and Bledar almost literally set the Malmö Arena on fire. A commendable show, boys. Though I must say, a little too much texturising spray was used on Adrian.

Georgia: Unlike Russia, this performance was more sickly sweet than the song. My mother, who happened to walk past while Sophie & Nodi were doing their thang, said she liked it. I’m not sure if that bodes well for them or not.

Switzerland: I have a soft spot for Takasa, but this was boring.

Romania: And now for something that you could never call ‘boring’. Cezar was like a camp warlord on helium out there, but his voice was on point.

 

The in-betweeners

- The opening act marked the first time I have every enjoyed watching people on BMX bikes.

- But enough bike talk. I’ve got to get on to the interval act that I vote to win Eurovision 2013. Yes, I’m referring to the Darin/Agnes extravaganza. I had been looking forward to this a ridiculous amount, what with Darin being my absolute favourite male artist on the planet and Agnes being one of my top females. My expectations were met, and then some. Both Swedish superstars rocked the arena, with Agnes kindly singing the two songs I would have chosen for her whilst surrounded by a year’s worth of material from a chiffon factory. Darin was just Darin. To see him on the ESC stage when it’s unlikely he’ll ever do so representing Sweden was a life highlight.

- In other news, Lys Assia made it to Sweden!! That woman is my hero. Approximately 147 years old and poorly, but still making the trek to be at the contest and get her mug on the telly.

 

The results

Qualified: Hungary, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Romania, Norway, Iceland, Armenia, Finland, Malta and Greece

I predicted: Azerbaijan, Finland, Malta, Greece, Israel, Armenia, Hungary, Norway, Georgia and Romania

I feel: less stupid than before. 9/10 ain’t bad. But even if I’d gotten 1/10 (not statistically possible, but I’m trying to make a point) I’d have been happy, because Hungary, the one country I was desperate to qualify, was the first to go through. I can’t even tell you how loudly I screamed when that happened.

The next four to be announced were pretty obvious ones, though part of me was hoping Romania would be left behind. Iceland and Armenia were a little surprising, despite my gut feeling that Armenia would make it. I was chuffed for Finland and Malta.

When it came down to the last butterfly, it was only going to be Greece or San Marino (and so I was wailing for the loss of Israel). As sad as I am that it turned out not to be SM, a final wouldn’t be a final without Greece.

 

 

Well, just like the semis, my wrap-up is now over. But as upsetting as both of those things are, just remember that the grand final is still to be held, and it’s a final that should conclude with a tense voting sequence. The way I see it, there are four or five countries that could score their way into the winners’ club (if there is such a thing). Because I’m head honcho here and I can, I’m going to re-predict who that winner will be right here, right now.

Azerbaijan – They’ve got everything it takes. I still don’t think the song is one of the best on offer, but since when has that stopped Azerbaijan from winning?

Denmark – Yes, the favourite. I may not be overly fond of Only Teardrops, but I’m not idiotic enough to give it no chance of topping the table.

Germany – This song was made for an arena, and I think that will come across strongly enough on TV for voters to respond. The juries could be Cascada’s downfall, but Natalie’s ability to command the stage should be rewarded at least.

Italy – If simplicity and beauty is going to win out over OTT and cheesiness, then Marco could come out on top.

Russia – Speaking of cheesiness…ugh. But after the reasonably cleverly-staged performance, and the reaction of the audience (and the fact that I found myself humming along) I couldn’t not go there. This could happen, people, so prepare yourselves.

Belgium – Just kidding.

 

I’m more than happy for a random country to take out the coveted prize. What about you? And what were your highlights and lowlights and travesties and triumphs from the semi finals? Let me know below.

I’ll be back once the Land Down Under has broadcast the final, to discuss it in detail. As for life after Eurovision 2013? Well, I have a feeling I’ll be chatting about Malmö for a long time to come. Maybe you’ll join me?

 

 

3, 2 , 1, GO! My predictions for Eurovision 2013

Hello again! The first semi final of Eurovision 2013 is just hours away (!!!!!!!) and I’m about to begin my internet sabbatical to avoid spoilers before our Friday broadcast (if you want the reasoning behind my not watching the live stream, just ask). So I’ve got a little more time to make some predictions on what will go down tonight, on Thursday, and finally on Saturday, when Loreen’s successor will be crowned. Well, trophied. Brace yourselves for a shockingly inaccurate reading of Eurovision’s palm, from go to whoa.

 

Semi Final 1

Who will qualify: Croatia, Denmark, Russia, Ukraine, Netherlands, Moldova, Montenegro, Belarus, Ireland and Serbia.

Who I want to qualify: Croatia, Denmark, Ukraine, Netherlands, Montenegro, Lithuania, Moldova, Ireland, Belgium and Serbia. 

Who is most likely to…

Win the semi: Russia. I had to force myself to type that instead of Denmark, but I just have a feeling that something this horrible could happen. In spite of the cheese and what I hear is a very frumpy outfit, the juries will rate Dina’s perfect vocal and the voters who haven’t been previously exposed will probably lap up the “feel good” ballad. Blerrgh.

Lose the semi: Belgium. I had to force myself to type that too, as the self-proclaimed captain of Team Belgique for 2013. I think Roberto is adorable (in a dark and mysterious yet awkward and uncomfortable kind of way) and Love Kills is my cup of tea, but this is Belgium we’re talking about. As much as I want a qualification to happen, I have to be realistic. Sob.

Who could say no to that face? Probably a lot of people, actually.

Get the biggest round of applause: Montenegro. Igranka is one of the few songs in this semi that will get people up and dancing, and Who See will be duly compensated with a hefty send-off. Plus, who wouldn’t cheer for people who voluntarily decided to wear space suits at Eurovision?

Sing best live: Klapa s Mora and Zlata Ognevich. Both the boys and Zlata are amazing vocalists. I can’t wait to hear the Klapa harmonising in that spine-tingling manner of theirs, and Zlata tearing into the big notes like nobody else. PS – did anyone else notice that the first word in Mižerja is ‘zlata’? I know it’s a legit word meaning ‘gold’, but I’m starting to think Croatia and Ukraine are in cahoots.

Sing worst live: Alyona Lanskaya. She’s pitchy at the best of times, but with all the cha-cha moves she’ll be doing, I can imagine her being carried (not literally – that’s what shirtless dancers are for) by her backing vocalists. It is possible that I’m just willing her to be bad on the off chance it frees up a space for a worthier song in the final.

Make the best use of the background: Ukraine and Ireland. For one, I’m visualising forests and flowers and diamonds and unicorns. For the other, Celtic symbols and love hearts and flames. You decide which is which.

Have the most boring stage show: Cyprus or Estonia. Mark my words, Despina or Birgit will be the Iris of Year Malmö – the pretty girl in the nice dress with absolutely nothing going on around her. Both of their songs are too lacklustre to carry off such minimalism.

Have the best costume/s: Aliona Moon. You know what they say: if you’re going to rip off something Azerbaijan did, do it better (and add a hairstyle Rona Nishliu would be reluctant to try out). Sabina Babayeva’s projector gown clearly started a revolution, and Aliona’s just the latest person to take it to the next level. 

This is what she wears on her days off.

Have the worst costume/s: Serbia. We know the devil/angel thing is no more, and has been replaced by what has been described as ‘workers from the Willy Wonka factory gone mad’. I’ve seen a thumbnail of these outfits, and to me they looked like Kool Mint-studded umbrellas. Who knows? Maybe once I see them in HD I’ll love them.

 

Semi Final 2

Who will qualify: San Marino, Azerbaijan, Finland, Malta, Greece, Israel, Hungary, Norway, Georgia and Romania.

Who I want to qualify: San Marino, Macedonia, Finland, Malta, Bulgaria, Iceland, Hungary, Norway, Albania and Switzerland. 

Who is most likely to…

Win the semi: Azerbaijan. They’ve got a better song than what won them Eurovision 2011, and what sounds to be even cleverer staging. There’s nothing stopping Farid from annihilating the competition.

Lose the semi: Macedonia. I like Pred Da Se Razdeni, but it is a shambles of a song. It would be too easy for it to come last.

Get the biggest round of applause: Greece. This is going to go off, especially coming after the sedate and simple Iceland. You can’t tell me the audience won’t be sucked into it and be yelling for more (as well as some free alcohol) when Agathonas has stroked his ‘stache for the final time.

Big claps for the kilts.

Sing best live: Moran Mazor and Sophie & Nodi. Moran may not have a ballad as good as Milim, but her voice won’t be doing a Harel Skaat crack anytime soon. And Sophie & Nodi are Georgian, so it goes without saying that they can sing like angels.

Sing worst live: Armenia. Lonely Planet is a screamer song, and sometimes Gor Sujyan can scream out of tune.

Make the best use of the background: Georgia. They may not be so obvious as to run three minutes’ worth of aerial waterfall footage, but they’ll do something mesmerising, I reckon.   

Have the most boring stage show: Israel. Moran will be on the stage in her revealing dress, singing ‘rak bishvilooooo’ over and over (and over) again. If there is a surprise dancer I will happily eat my words for entertainment’s sake.

Have the best costume: Krista Seigfrids. Let’s face it, any kind of bridal wear will be an improvement on the gold lamé mini dress Moldova used for Natalia the Bride in 2006. There will be poofiness, and there will be coordinating accessories.

Imagine this, only more bedazzled…if you can.

Have the worst costume: Cezar. This man could take to the stage wearing anything, and that scares me a little. Nothing is off limits for someone who can breeze through their entire eight-octave vocal range in under ten seconds.   

 

The Grand Final 

Who will win Eurovision 2012: Don’t ask me to choose one. C’est impossible! All I can manage is a narrow-down to four.

Azerbaijan. Like I said, they’ve got a better song than Running Scared, a genius stage show (by all accounts), a powerful male singer some would call attractive (he’s not up my street personally) and last but not least, they’re Azerbaijan. The only time they haven’t done amazingly well was in Junior Eurovision, and I actually think that was unjustified. I’ve come around on Hold Me enough that I won’t burst into tears if it does win, but my main gripe would be Eurovision heading back to controversial Baku so soon.  

Welcome to Azerbaijan…again!

Denmark. Although I’ve had this feeling for a while that the bookies’ favourite won’t take it out, I can’t really discount them. This is a year where anything can and will happen. It would be neat for the Danes to win on Swedish soil, just like they did in 2000.

Georgia. Can’t you picture the credits rolling over Sophie and Nodi’s exuberant faces as they reprise Waterfall? I bet Thomas g:son has at least thought about which shelf in his trophy cabinet to put the 2013 gong on. Sure, Georgia can do better, and sure, this new trend of importing Swedish ballads is annoying, but this song is just the kind of accessible, soaring schmaltz (sung extremely well) that the decision-makers might resort to in the wake of high-energy Euphoria.

Finally, for a random outside bet…Greece. It would be nice for a song that doesn’t take itself too seriously (but is still a very good song) to come out on top, and I think it could be Alcohol Is Free. Maybe. Eh, I just felt like stepping outside of the obvious box for a minute.

Who will make the top 10: Azerbaijan, Denmark, Finland, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Italy, Norway, Russia and Ukraine.

Who will be left at the bottom: Spain, or Belarus/Israel (assuming they qualify).

How the final 6 will end up: If Azerbaijan isn’t on top, I can’t see any result lower than 5^th for them. Germany should be in the 3^rd-6^th range, with Italy around 9^th or 10^th. I’m seeing France and Sweden somewhere in 11^th-15^th, with the UK and Spain bringing up the rear in 16^th-26^th.

 

Bonus bits!

5 countries I want to succeed the most: Belgium, Hungary, Italy, Montenegro and Sweden.

5 countries I’d love to win: Germany, Hungary, Italy, Sweden or Ukraine.

5 things I’m most looking forward to:

Observing the standing fans – It’s been a while since Eurovision had a STANDING ROOM ONLY section, so even though I’d be bringing a deck chair if it were me, I’m happy enough to watch how it changes the dynamics from my position on the couch.

The interval act of semi final 2 – If someone asked me ‘Which two Swedish soloists would you choose to perform medleys of their greatest hits during the interval of a Eurovision semi final?’ I would say ‘Why, Darin and Agnes, of course, you nincompoop!’ And now, it’s going to happen. My dream is coming true.

A familiar face in the green room – A Mr. Eric Saade (that’s pronounced ‘Sha-day’ if you’re Lynda Woodruff) will be cavorting around the green room, hopefully in tight trousers. What am I saying? As if he ever wears anything else.

The postcards – When they’re blatantly touristy, I lose interest. Honing in on the artist for a change was a good decision made by SVT. I’m excited to see these.

The ‘host country’ cheer – This could well be my favourite part of every final. Even watching from home, you can feel the buzz start to build before the host entrant even steps on stage. Before, during and after Robin Stjernberg, expect supportive noise.

5 cities I’d love to host the ESC next year:

Ljublana, Slovenia

Zagreb, Croatia

Dublin, Ireland

Tbilisi, Georgia

Rome, Italy

 

Whew, that was exhausting! All of that crystal ball gazing/palm reading/haphazard guessing has worn me out, so I’m off to have a sleep. By the time I wake up, the first semi will be over, and I’ll be dodging social media like a woman possessed. So until the weekend, when I’ll be back with a wrap-up of the semis, goodbye. I hope you have a very merry ESC experience, wherever you are and whoever you’re with. Unless you’re in Malmö rubbing shoulders with Marco Mengoni and Cascada, in which case I hope you have a terrible time…not that I’m jealous or anything.

 

What do you make of my predictions? Which countries do you think will succeed, fail, shock and surprise?

 

Malmö Reviews | Part 4 (San Marino-United Kingdom)

It’s getting closer and closer, people! And by ‘it’, I am of course referring to my birthday. But don’t worry, you’ve still got a few months to think of an epic gift to give me.

What’s that you’re saying? Eurovision is even nearer than that? So it is. Oh well, I guess I’d better talk about that then.

Three days. Three days until the first semi final. I am über pumped, which is odd considering I won’t be watching it until Friday, when it’s broadcast over here in Australia. But we are getting a pre-show documentary to compensate for the wait. Plus, we have a rather awesome Eurovision website of our own (www.sbs.com.au/eurovision) which I encourage you to check out and be impressed by. Anyway, point is, I’ve only reviewed 31 of the 39 entries so far, and there are only three days to do the rest AND make some extremely inaccurate predictions. So here is Step One of getting that stuff done: my final lot of reviews. These are my musings on San Marino, Serbia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Ukraine and the UK. Have a look-see and let me know how you feel about these eight songs.

 

SAN MARINO

Crisalide (Vola) by Valentina Monetta

Better than 2012: Yes

IMO: I’m not going to bring the Facebook song…ah, I mean, the “Social Network” song, into this review. This is a new year, San Marino has a new song, and the genuinely talented Valentina has the opportunity to be taken seriously with Crisalide. This entry, despite also being a brainchild of Ralph Siegel (who’s way past his use-by date if you ask me) is up there with Complice – SM’s horrendously underrated debut – as their best ever. Last year, Lithuania gave us one minute of ballad and two of disco dance pop, whereas here we have two minutes of lovely Italian waltz and one minute of disco dance pop. Both combinations work for me. I find myself thinking with Crisalide that I would have been happy to have either a full song of the waltz, because it is so beautiful, or 100% of the catchy up-tempo, but as it stands I’m glad to have both. The transition between styles is smooth, and makes for a nice surprise when you’re hearing it for the first time and expect the ballad to continue to the end. Valentina will no doubt thrive on the whole package of being able to sing in her own language, and in a genre (or two) more suited to her voice and age (no 37-year-old jazz-trained singer should be strutting around in leather pants screeching about cybersex). I’m expecting a long, floaty dress. I’m expecting wind. I’m expecting a heck of a lot of Ikea lighting. And I’m hoping for a Sammarinese qualification for the first time.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.  

 

SERBIA

Ljubav Je Svuda by Moje 3

Top 10 material: No

IMO: Say halo to a Serbia we’ve never seen before at Eurovision. A Serbia that’s less classy and more…brassy. Less ‘OMG’ and more OTT. You get the idea. I’m not as big a fan of this Serbia as I am of the one that brought us Marija, Jelena and Željko, but I can get on board with them for the sake of my weakness for a catchy pop song. Let’s get a couple of facts straight: firstly, if this was Love Is Everywhere, in English, it would be extremely mediocre. The Serbian language has managed to elevate it to an above-average level, for my taste. Secondly, would I be as keen on it if Nevena, the first person to represent her country at JESC and ESC as a main artist, was not involved? Probably not. I’m so excited by her presence that I would have enjoyed three minutes of the trio dragging their manicured nails down a blackboard. Fortunately, Ljubav Je Svuda is much more pleasant to listen to. I like that each of the girls has their own moment in the spotlight, but that they do come together as a cohesive group when needs be. I’m also a sucker for that less-than-original but still effective concept of devil/angel/conflicted soul in the middle. That’s why it’s a such a shame to know that concept will not be illustrated visually via the costumes. The red, gold and white of the national final has been binned in favour of what I hear are Georgia’s JESC costumes from 2011. On the back of that, all the non-Serbian speakers unaware of the song’s story will see three attractive women in wacky outfits, singing a good but not great pop song quite well. I have to wonder how many of them will vote for it.  

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 8 points.  

 

SLOVENIA

Straight Into Love by Hannah

Sounds like: Radioactive by Rita Ora

IMO: This is one of the most radio-friendly entries of the year – a dance song that sounds like a lot of other dance songs, with a smattering of dubstep. It isn’t going to lead to any love it/hate it arguments between anyone: the lyrics are fairly generic, the chorus is fairly strong, it’s totally inoffensive…I don’t have much to say about it, to be honest. It’s okay, I like it, but I don’t love it. Whereas Cascada has a very powerful, stadium-worthy dance song, Hannah’s is tamer and less infectious. It does have the potential to be performed very well though, and there’s no reason it couldn’t be another middling song made excellent by way of top-notch staging and costuming. I’m not worried about Hannah’s ability to deliver a polished vocal judging by her previous live performances. She’s a confident performer and, as irrelevant as this is, possibly the Kaliopi of 2013 – a.k.a. the nicest girl on the block. I wouldn’t want her to crash and burn, but without so many elements working in Slovenia’s favour, she’ll have trouble pushing higher than 12^th or 13^th in her semi.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.  

 

SPAIN

Contigo Hasta El Final by El Sueño De Morfeo 

Better than 2012: No

IMO: As you may remember, Spain gave me exactly what I wanted from them last year. As a result, I’m going to be a hard fan for them to impress for the rest of eternity. Exhibit A: Contigo Hasta El Final. Not impressed. However, I’m not repulsed, so you ESDM supporters can put away your rotten fruit, thank you very much. This song is interesting, light and sing-along-able, without the cheese of such entries as Que Mi Quiten Lo Bailao. I like how it begins in one form and develops into another by the end. But, like the Danish song, by that end it hasn’t made me feel anything in particular. I want to rave about it, but I can’t. And I can’t see a finish anywhere near as good as Pastora Soler’s forthcoming. I can imagine myself driving along the Spanish coast in an open-topped sports car, sunglasses on, bandanna in my hair and this on repeat though. Come to think of it, is anybody up for a road trip? And if so, do you have a sports car and a spare flight ticket to Spain?

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.  

 

SWEDEN

You by Robin Stjernberg

Best lyric: ‘I reach for the horizon whenever I’ve got days of doubt bringing me down.’

IMO: Where do I begin? I was pretty fond of Mr. Stjernberg around the time he lost the Swedish Idol title to Amanda Fondell (who he then beat in Melodifestivalen by a mile…in her face much?). Then he went and won MF against all the odds, an event that MADE my national final season. Ever since then, I’ve realised that this is the most enthusiastic I’ve ever been about a host entry. I adore this song, and there’s nothing you-ou-ou-ooh-oh-oh can say that will change my mind. It’s something relatively different from Sweden, and whilst it definitely smacks of ‘we don’t want to win two years in a row’ (as did the whole of Melfest) I think it has the goods to give the hosts a respectable result. At least, I hope it does. It’s contemporary without resorting to dance or dubstep, and though some would say the chorus is full of yodeling, I reckon the repetition is a hook that people will remember (and since when was yodeling in a pop song a bad thing anyway? Laura Omloop, Gwen Stefani, hello?). I just love everything about this. Yes, even the screech Robin does towards the end. It takes talent to screech in tune like that. Speaking of which, I don’t know what the critics are referring to when they talk about his voice in a negative way. Maybe my ears are malfunctioning, but on every occasion I’ve heard the guy sing live it’s been great (sans that emotional reprise at Melfest). Plus, he’s cute as a button and his surname is really fun to say. What more do you people want?!

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. DOUZE POINTS!  

 

SWITZERLAND

You And Me by Takasa

Better than 2012: Yes

IMO: The main problem I find with Swiss entries is that they’re chosen so early on in the season, and because they aren’t the strongest of songs (generally speaking) by May they’ve well and truly fallen by the wayside. I really liked You And Me back in December, when Takasa (which sounds like some sort of Japanese greeting) were still known as Heilsarmee, but I have to admit, I’d kind of forgotten about it amongst the Ukraines and Italys of the other 38 songs. Forcing myself to recall it for this review, I’ve realised I do still enjoy it. There’s something endearing about the whole thing, and not just because there’s a grandpa involved (he’s old even when compared to the Babushki, so here’s hopng he lives until the semi-final). I can’t help smiling when the chorus kicks in, despite the lyrics being quite cheesy. It’s the ‘ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah’. I also get the feeling that Takasa believe in this song and what it’s about, and have a good time performing it. I just wish they’d been more adventurous with their wardrobe choice for Malmö. White shirts and ties are basics, ladies and gents, and unless they’ve been vomited on by the Glitter Glue Monster, they rarely have a place at Eurovision. Costume is one area where this entry could have been amped up. Having not seen a rehearsal, I’m left to assume there’s something in the staging that does so instead.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

UKRAINE

Gravity by Zlata Ognevich

Top 10 material: Yes

IMO: Since the glory days of Ruslana, Ukraine hasn’t put a foot wrong with regards to the quality of their entries (yes, I am one of the few people that liked Razom Nas Bahato) even if they haven’t always done spectacularly well. They do have a 100% qualification record – the upkeep of which is now resting on Zlata Ognevich’s shoulders. I think she can relax. Gravity, despite the “unusual” staging we’ve been hearing about from rehearsals, is going to the final, y’all. It’s a ballad of Disney proportions (and we all know Disney songs are awesome) that conjures up visions of Rafiki raising Simba to the heavens atop of Pride Rock…while Zlata belts out nonsensical lyrics in the background. Does anyone care about the nonsense when she’s belting like she does? I don’t. Her voice is incredible, and perfectly suited to a vocally demanding song like this. I love the tribal/fantasy vibe of the whole shebang. Having said that, there are entries I like better, and I’m not under any delusions that this will win. Unless certain other participants sleep through their alarms and miss the contest, it’s not happening. But the Ukraine has (almost) always done Eurovision well, and Gravity keeps the trend going.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.  

 

UNITED KINGDOM

Believe In Me by Bonnie Tyler

Sounds like: Deixa-me Sonhar by Rita Guerra

IMO: First things first – why is it so difficult for the UK to nab themselves a young (or just ineligible for a senior’s card) up-and-comer with a catchy, current pop song? Ireland can do it. It cannot be that hard. And yet, here we are again with a formerly famous singer who needs a walking frame to get around (I may have made that up) and who’s bringing a fusty mid-tempo ballad to Eurovision. It didn’t work last year, so why would it work 12 months later? Whew. Now that’s out of my system, allow me to be less cruel to Bonnie for the following reasons: a) She’s practically a spring chicken compared to Engelbert Humperdinck; b) Believe In Me is a better song than Love Will Set You Free in my opinion – much more accessible and instant, and with a nice American country feel; and c) It’s because of her that THE greatest literal music video of all time exists (sample it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UULlroFAVuI ). Yes, I wish that the UK had someone more like Ryan Dolan for 2013, with a less generic song that had a better chance of success. But this is the UK, and unfortunately it’s not surprising that we’ve got what we’ve got from them. So I personally am trying to ‘believe in Bonnie’. Her song is a decent way to pass the time waiting for another I Can to come along.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.  

 

Well, that’s it. My reviews are complete, and after all the typing I only have arthritis in one hand – winning!

There are two more orders of business to take care of before I bid you adieu, however. Firstly, my mini-ranking of the above eight entries:

1. Sweden 12
2. Ukraine 10
3. San Marino 10
4. Serbia 8
5. United Kingdom 7
6. Switzerland 7
7. Spain 6
8. Slovenia 6

Secondly, the moment when I ask your opinion (and I really do want it). How do you rank the songs from San Marino to the UK? Where do we agree and disagree? I know you’ve got thoughts, so get ‘em out in the comments!

And now, until next time…adieu.

 

(Speaking of) NEXT TIME: I’m cutting it fine, but there’s still time for a good old Prediction Special! Find out where I’m at on who will impress, disappoint, qualify and win, and see if we’re on the same wavelength. 

 

Malmö Reviews | Part 3 (Latvia-Russia)

The artists and the press have descended on Malmö like vultures…only nothing like vultures. Basically, the majority of them are now on Swedish soil, and that means Eurovision is excitingly close. That also means that I have a heap of reviews and predictions to cram in before Tuesday the 14^th. So without further rambling, I present to you the third installment of my 2013 reviews (where I get a bit nasty for the first time in relation to a certain ballad). I’m kicking things off with Latvia. Here we go…

 

LATVIA

Here We Go by PeR

Better than 2012: No

IMO: Is there anyone who’d name Latvia as one of their favourite Eurovision countries? Really? Aside from epic debutants Brainstorm and a few other saving graces, they have not impressed me much over the last decade-and-a-bit. This year the trend continues, but I do hear a glimmer of hope in PeR’s Here We Go. It was one of the few passable songs in the dreadful Latvian final, so it’s a plus in that respect. The three boys (two pieces of guy candy, one not so much) put a lot of energy into their performance from what I’ve seen, although they could put more into perfecting their vocals which are ropey at best. But this is a repetitive song – an almost-decent chorus interspersed with brief episodes of rap (which very rarely goes down well at the contest, right Trackshittaz?) with some trumpeting thrown in for good measure. That trumpeting is the best part. I’m not in the mood to be too cruel to Latvia though, so I’ll finish with a positive. The more I think about it, this will be a suitable opener for the second semi, especially if the group manage to pull off a show just as enthusiastic but more polished than what we’ve seen so far. If they incorporate the audience participation, that too should be well received. I’m not excited to see it up first, but I’m not completely repulsed by the thought either.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

LITHUANIA

Something by Andrius Pojavis

Sounds like: Human by Killers

IMO: This was one of the earliest picks of NF season, and while some of those initial selections get boring by May, this one has grown on me. It’s a strange song, mainly in terms of the verses, but the chorus is rockin’ (and I, having used the term ‘rockin’’ am apparently a fifty-year-old man going through a midlife crisis). It reminds me so much of the Killers’ back catalogue, which may also be latched on to by voters. Lithuania does have a way of qualifying against all the odds, as proven in 2011 and 2012. I do feel that the odds are out of their favour again in 2013, even though I have a sneaking regard for Something. It’s got a bit of quirk, but probably not enough to be considered memorable, unless everybody keeps talking about ‘that weird dude wearing a top hat’, should that weird dude wear his top hat. Speaking of which, Andrius is one gentlemanly gentleman, dressing up in his finery to sing a rock song and asking us all if we mind that he’s in love with us. They just don’t make guys like that anymore, do they?

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 7 points.

 

MACEDONIA

Pred Da Se Razdeni by Lozano & Esma

Top 10 material: No

IMO: Thanks to a few negative Tweets (or something like that) Macedonia tossed the amazing Imperija in the trash, and cobbled together another entry for Lozano and Esma (the loveable older lady of this year’s comp) in the space of about five minutes. You know, like Belarus did for Anastasia Vinnkova a few years ago (except that was thanks to a rule violation). The difference here is that I like this second song almost as much as the first one, even though it’s such a mish-mash of styles that I know I should be saying ‘WTF is this circus of a song?’. Pred Da Se Razdeni is more ‘by Lozano, featuring Esma’, and has the shortest opening verse I’ve ever heard on a song in Eurovision or elsewhere. True fact. But why waste time getting to the chorus when the chorus is so awesome, in my opinion? And what little airtime Esma has is taken advantage of – I LOVE her parts. I can’t wait for her to strut out with her grandson…er, I mean, singing partner, and get the crowd clasping their hands and whispering about how adorable she is. Lozano, meanwhile, will be doing most of the legwork and doing it very well – he has a great voice (and trendy eyewear collection). He, his chaperone and this song are a jigsaw puzzle that shouldn’t fit together, but together they work for me.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

MALTA

Tomorrow by Gianluca Bezzina

Best lyric: ‘Risk assessment is his investment in a life of no surprise/ she threw affection his direction, a collection of her smiles.’

IMO: Here’s an entry that, I’m afraid to say because it is so delightful (as is Dr. Bezzina), has started to bore slightly. But at the same time, there are so many things I like about it that I am mentally unable to stop wishing it into the final. The first time I heard it, it put a smile on my face. I loved the lyrics that told a story using language we don’t often hear at Eurovision – see the above example for proof – and within seconds I was shipping IT man Jeremy and the nameless woman who keeps running off on him. The song itself has been heard plenty of times in the past, but cruisy, inoffensive little ditties always have their place; in fact, one of them secured the Swiss a place in the final two years ago. If “the people” and juries alike are ready to have their hearts warmed and can be won over by a song that more or less forces a smile onto their face, then I officially declare Malta a front runner to make it through to Saturday night. I think it would help if they really played up the cuteness – bringing in the bench seat from the video, or introducing a bunch of balloons somehow (not that relevant, but cute. And I like balloons). After all, how often do you get to be surrounded by whimsical props when you’re a medical doctor?  

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

MOLDOVA

O Mie by Aliona Moon

Better than 2012: No

IMO: Can we all just take a moment to mourn the English version of this song? The version that tackled such subjects as the ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ theory, and the possible legitimacy of the Mayan calendar? Oh god, I’m getting all misty-eyed just talking about it. I miss A Million, and not because I’m some lazy listener who wants everything in English so I can understand it (how dare you accuse me of that!). I think it was because the English version was the one originally chosen to represent Moldova, and I fell in love with that (and it was unsettling for that language switch to even happen – it usually goes the other way round). Take that moment to mourn with me, won’t you? Okay, moment over. I still really like this song as Romanian O Mie. It’s a pretty and well-constructed ballad that was – unbelievably – composed by Pasha Parfeny (how weird was it seeing him at the NF, sitting stiffly at the piano in a dinner suit, after all of that gallivanting he did in a leather apron in Baku?). It is repetitive, I’ll admit, but so are other ballads from the likes of Israel, for example, and I think Moldova has the better song. Unfortunately they aren’t in the same semi final, so Israel can’t make Moldova look good. But Aliona should be able to do that on her own. She already has ESC experience up her sleeve from last year, and with her voice and the architectural hairdo/dress combo she’s likely to be sporting, she’ll put on a show. Whether that show gets her to the final or not is a matter for later discussion.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 8 points.

 

MONTENEGRO

Igranka by Who See

Top 10 material: No

IMO: It would be a fair call to say this is Montenegro’s best entry ever, simply because it’s not verging on lame (like Zauvijek Volim Te), totally cliché (like Just Get Out of My Life) or anything to do with Rambo Amadeus (need I say more?). Such a fair call that I’m going to go ahead and say it: this IS Montenegro’s best entry ever. That’s from a girl who had high hopes after the song title and description were released, had her hopes dashed and labeled the song a ‘hot mess’ once she’d heard it, then finally grew to love the hot mess after another listen or two. Igranka is far from being a typical Eurovision song. It’s essentially a rap song with badass-female-soloist intervals, and features some hardcore dubstep that gives Slovenia’s all the impact of a soggy tissue. It’s a very interesting song that makes you want to know where it’s going. I love badass-female Nina’s opening part, and the little riff/melody (whatever, I’m not up with musical terminology) underneath the rap verses. The chorus is where things get messy and noisy, but for those expecting to hear the opening lines again, it’ll be a surprise. And if Nina is in tune and attempts to sing with power more than shout, the live effect will be impressive. I’d love Montenegro to do well at last, especially since they have a song that’s more complex and original than Serbia’s, but speaking of the live, this could be a disaster come show time. Igranka in studio is great, but the slick production and that air of messiness could come across a shambles when put to the test in Malmö Arena. As I write this, the trio have completed their first rehearsal, but I’m steering clear of pre-ESC video footage as usual, so I can’t say what went down.  

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

NETHERLANDS

Birds by Anouk 

Sounds like: Mary Poppins needs anti-depression pills

IMO: Do you remember this time last year, when Joan Franka’s You And Me had been tipped as an almost-certain qualifier and potential winner by a ton of fans and bookmakers? Do you remember how those predictions panned out? Mmm-hmm. Well, it’s happened all over again with Anouk’s haunting ballad Birds, only this time, I’m one of the people hoping the Netherlands meet those high expectations (and suspecting they might). Well, maybe not the winning expectations, but the qualifying ones. I want this to go through, damnit! I didn’t think much of it initially, but a second or third listen can be crucial, and in this case I’ve really grown to appreciate the merit and sadness in the song. There’s nothing contrived or cheesy about it, unlike one of the ballads that comes before it in the running order (more on that in a bit) and I hope that works in its favour. Anouk is a big star and a reliable performer, and her rehearsal yesterday was, by all accounts, excellent. She won’t get in the way of her own success, but voters who want something less depressing and more instant may do. It’s been almost a decade since the Dutch song made a final, and I think if it happened this year, the looks on the delegation’s faces would be priceless. Like, Robin Stjernberg, ‘I won Melodifestivalen?’ level priceless. Who’s up for making that epic-ness a reality?

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 8 points.

 

NORWAY

I Feed You My Love by Margaret Berger

Best lyric: ‘You put a knife against my back and you dare me to face the attack.’

IMO: A lot of people love this, and a minority do not. The former group would willingly let Margaret feed them her love; the latter would spit it out and tell her she’s a terrible cook. So which group do you belong to? I hear you ask (and if you didn’t ask and don’t care, why are you reading opinion reviews in the first place?). Well, my friends…aagh, no more stalling. I love it, alright! Bravo, Norway, bravo. This country had two excellent Eurovision prospects, and they chose the less fun, less summery, but edgier and more reliable of those two. There aren’t many other words I can think of to describe it – industrial? Electro-rock-ish, perhaps? Different, definitely. Different from anything else on offer in 2013. I love the sound and I love the lyrics, and the contrast between such a dark song (with complimentary lighting) and the blonde-in-a-white-dress look (as Margaret modeled at NMGP) is really interesting. I would prefer this to win over Denmark, but I realise that’s unlikely. A top 10 result is more achievable, unless there’s another inexplicable lack of points for the Norwegian song that confuses me for months to come. Because I Feed You My Love can’t be compared to anything else it’s up against, unlike Stay, that too is unlikely.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

ROMANIA

It’s My Life by Cezar

Sounds like: Illusion by Krassimir Avramov

IMO: Romania had bamboozled me this year, and as fun as it is to use the word ‘bamboozled’ in a Eurovision review (or at any time) I’m not pleased about it. The tropical party thrown by Mandinga is over, and now we’ve been invited to one where the background music is Beethoven’s Fifth and the punch bowl is full of pumpkin soup, and we’re all like ‘are we supposed to take this seriously?’. Let me tell you how I feel about It’s My Life in a way that makes more sense: as much as it reminds me of Bulgaria ’09 for obvious reasons, it also makes me think of Israel’s entry into the 2004 contest – To Believe, by David d’Or. In both cases, the song I like, but the crazy-high vocal the singer ascends to, I can’t help finding comical. I realise that Cezar is very talented, and the song certainly shows off his range. But I just can’t take this seriously; not when the voice of Alenka Gotar on helium is coming out of an imposing, suited-up dude with a beard. That dude scored the sought-after performance position of last in the second semi, following Switzerland. He will appear, and three minutes later, nobody will remember that Switzerland even existed. Whether or not that will help maintain Romania’s 100% qualification record, I don’t know. Like I said, this entry has me generally bamboozled. God, I love that word.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

RUSSIA

What If by Dina Garipova

Better than 2012: No

IMO: This song makes me want to do so many things, and none of them are enjoyable – things like jumping off a cliff, and/or vomiting come to mind. Well, maybe it’s not everything about What If that makes me want to do that stuff. Now that I think of it, I find the song part of the song (i.e. the music and the melody) perfectly listenable. What makes my skin crawl is the sickeningly sentimental, cheesy, clichéd, anti-war, ‘let’s put away our firearms and embrace each other’ LYRICS. Oh. My. Gosh. And don’t even get me started on the music video, which only serves to bring the nauseating sentiment to life, as a theatre-load of strangers become so overcome by the message of Dina’s song that they are unable to resist joining hands and swaying as one. Pass me a sick bag, somebody. Russia sent a novelty act of sorts to Eurovision in 2012, and they were adorable. Give me that over this schmaltz any day of the week. I am horrified at the prospect of this qualifying with ease and possibly cracking the final top 10. Dina’s voice wouldn’t be out of place there, but…nyet. Just nyet.

Winner, loser or grower: Loser. 3 points.

 

That’s another ten songs that can be crossed off my review list. But just before I go do that, here’s an overview of my rankings this time around. Although I think I’ll call them ‘igrankings’.

1. Norway 10
2. Macedonia 10
3. Montenegro 10
4. Moldova 8
5. Netherlands 8
6. Malta 7
7. Lithuania 7
8. Latvia 6
9. Romania 6
10. Russia 3

 

How do you rate the above entries? Let me know where we’re thinking alike, and where we’re really, really not.

 

NEXT TIME: In my second-last post before the main event, I’ll be critiquing the entries from San Marino, Serbia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Ukraine and the UK. Eight songs, one more set of reviews. Who will come out on top, and will one of you FINALLY agree with me on everything? I doubt it, but why don’t you drop by just in case?

 

Malmö Reviews | Part 2 (Estonia-Italy)

Happy Friday, ladies and gents! You may have noticed that I’ve redecorated EBJ since your last visit. I’m now officially Sweden-ised, feeling festive and ready to paarrtaaaay *insert visualisations of streamers flying every which way here*. And it’s about time too – it is May, a.k.a. Eurovision Month, and this IS the second episode of my Malmö Reviews. Gee whiz.

So now’s the time to prepare yourself for my verdicts on Estonia, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Israel AND Italy (#outofbreath) because here they are. Oh, and stay tuned to see my rankings of these entries (and to show me yours).

↓

 

ESTONIA

Et Uus Saaks Alguse by Birgit Õigemeel

Sounds like: Nótt by Yohanna

IMO: We can debate until the cows come home about Estonia choosing Birgit The Safe Option over the scary hairy dudes and the amazing Grete Paia, but the reality is, Birgit is the one going to Malmö, and she’s taking her diet Kuula with her. Diet Kuula? Geddit? Not so much? Well, my point is that it’s another year and we have another Estonian ballad – but unlike last year’s, which was mesmerising in so many ways (and had a lot of drama and power) this one’s kind of bland. I’ll put it this way: Kuula was, to me, all 31 of Baskin-Robbins’ ice-cream flavours combined in one sundae, with lashings of hot fudge sauce and sprinkles. Et Uus is 97% fat-free vanilla frozen yoghurt. Having said all of that and convincing you that I detest Birgit’s ballad, I actually don’t. It’s pleasant, and I enjoy listening to it. But that’s all. It’s three minutes of niceness, with no real hook or crescendo.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

FINLAND

Marry Me by Krista Siegfrids  

Best lyric: ‘I don’t think there are no ladies who will give you cuter babies.’

IMO: I did not like this song when I first heard a snippet via a recap of all the UMK finalists. Then I heard the full version after it won, and fell in love with it (I probably would have married Krista at that point). THEN, it started to get on my nerves a little bit. So where am I now? Somewhere in-between enjoying it, and being annoyed by it, that’s where. As much as I loved the Finnish entry last year, it’s nice to have something as brash and fun from Finland as När Jag Blundar was sweet and subdued. Everything about this is loud, from the punchy chorus to the bridal party’s outfits, and I’m glad for that. What would be the point in toning down an entry like this, one that could pass as a Katy Perry B-side? It’s not the OTT-ness that irritates me; in fact, I can’t put my finger on exactly what is responsible for that (Krista’s constant demand for me to put a ring on it, perhaps). But I guess I can settle for a love-hate relationship with Marry Me. That should prepare me for a real marriage, right?

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

FRANCE

L’enfer Et Moi by Amandine Bourgeois

Sounds like: Rolling In The Deep by Adele  

IMO: Can I picture Amandine performing this in a smoky, slightly sleazy underground club in Paris, wearing a feather boa and not much else? Oui oui. It is trés French, or at least very stereotypically French – classy, chic, a little bit retro and a little bit seedy. This is just the kind of thing that, besides the Harlem Shake and dance anthems that all sound exactly the same, the global music charts are full of right now, in the wake of the aforementioned Adele. I’m not the biggest fan of this style of music myself, but this particular song has its charms. The French language has never sounded better for starters, and despite the slow tempo, it uses the three minutes well to build into something interesting. All in all, it’s better than what I was expecting, and it’s more instant than Anggun’s entry last year. But it’s not right up there with the best of 2013 pour moi . PS – apologies for all the primary school French I crammed into this paragraph.   

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

GEORGIA

Waterfall by Sophie & Nodi

Better than 2012: Yes

IMO: I’d never tried Georgian cheese before this, and now I have I can say that it’s not too bad. Certainly not as overpowering as Russian cheese, if you know what I mean. Waterfall (the cheese in question) is another cliché-ridden ballad from reigning ESC champ Thomas G:son, with lyrics you can see coming from a continent away even with a Donny Montell-brand blindfold on. It seems to have been written expressly for suckers who can’t help feeling buoyed by that chorus, and that money note, even though they know full well the whole thing is contrived and unoriginal. Suckers like me. But with the inevitable floaty dress for Sophie, well-timed pyrotechnics and flawless vocals the duo will provide (I’m thinking it must be illegal in Georgia to be a bad singer) the other ballads better watch out. Some say this could be a dark horse to win, and as someone who’d love to witness a Georgian Eurovision, I could come to terms with that.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

GERMANY

Glorious by Cascada

Top 10 material: Yes

IMO: The German national final was über strong this year, but it was always going to be Cascada’s to lose. I’m glad they didn’t, because they were the best pick for another Eurovision success for Germany. Glorious is straight-up dance, which is what Cascada is known for, and it is genuinely glorious (lacking the irony of one of their previous hits Evacuate The Dancefloor, which was clearly constructed to ensure the dancefloor would be packed) if familiar, what with the Euphoria plagiarism claims and all. But that’s just dance music. This is just the kind of infectious number that will lift the roof off Malmö Arena in a way no other entry of 2013 can, so I hope Natalie and her DJs are prepared to pay for damages. I also hope Glorious doesn’t bomb against the odds. It’s having a hard time contesting Denmark and Ukraine and the like as a favourite to win, but if all goes according to plan it should hit the highs of the top 10, which is nothing to be sneezed at. Side note: can someone please come to my house and surgically remove the German flag from my hand when the final is over? I’m gonna be gripping that real tight.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. DOUZE POINTS!

 

GREECE

Alcohol Is Free by Koza Mostra feat. Agathonas Iakovidis  

Sounds like: For Real by Athena

IMO: Greece, Greece, Greece – you’ve done it again. This country can barely afford to post a letter to Malmö, let alone send a troupe of kilt-wearing rockers and Agathonas of the Impressive Moustache there direct. Yet that’s what they’re doing, and it will undoubtedly keep up their 100% qualification record. Alcohol Is Free is a breath of fresh air after the incredibly clichéd Aphrodisiac, and has a better shot at getting Greece back into the top 10. I’m not totally backing it, as there are plenty of entries I’d rather root for; however I do think it’s a lot of fun, and an up-tempo song that uses traditional instruments usually gets my tick of approval. It was a good idea to have the title in English, and then have that title make up the entire chorus. Even though alcohol isn’t free anywhere that I know of, 99% of us will be unable to resist chanting ‘alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is freeeeee’ in time with the guys. Scientific fact. The 1% that don’t will be unconscious from consuming too much “free” alcohol.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

HUNGARY

Kedvesem by ByeAlex 

Better than 2012: Yes

IMO: It could happen anytime, anywhere, with anything or anyone. You don’t know it’s going to until it does, and then BAM! You’re a goner. No, I’m not talking about being hit by a bus. I’m talking about falling in love, because I am officially head-over-heels for the Hungarian entry this year…and believe me, I did NOT see it coming. There’s something about this humble little song that gets me every time, and there’s nothing forced or sugary about it. I think Hungarian is beautiful and mysterious when set to music (especially if you don’t bother to Google a lyric translation) so that’s part of it. The extra punch given by the Zoohacker remix was much appreciated also. It’s an enigma, Kedvesem. I’m not 110% sure why I adore it, but I just do. They say you know when you know, and I know, so that’s enough! It’s just unfortunate that my favourite Hungarian entry since they rejoined the contest in 2011 is also the least likely to qualify. I wouldn’t care if it came last in the final. Just to see it get to Saturday night would be a major highlight. Make it happen, my European friends.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. DOUZE POINTS!

 

ICELAND

Ég á Líf  by Eythor Ingi  

Sounds like: the Icelandic national anthem

IMO: This wasn’t the most exciting song Iceland could have chosen, but there is something special about it. It could be that Eythor chose to keep it in Icelandic, which is another mysterious musical language. Big ups for that, because the switch from Icelandic to English in recent years has been a huge mistake. It could also be that anthemic quality that gets me feeling all patriotic and emotional, Olympic medal ceremony-style. Who knows. The thing is, that something special doesn’t elevate this ballad to Yohanna status, although the overall appearance is similar (it’s the hair). What could lift it is a superb stage show, with emphasis on lighting and background. I wouldn’t mind the Aurora Borealis being brought back for another spin either.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

IRELAND

Only Love Survives by Ryan Dolan  

Best lyric: ‘When the stars are aligned, you’ve got to make love a state of mind.’

IMO: How sweet it is to have our first Jedward-free year out of three! This post-twin effort from Ireland blows their 2012 entry out of the water (line) as far as I’m concerned. For one thing, it’s not some random song that was offered to and rejected by a bunch of artists before eventually being picked up for Eurovision. It is a slickly produced dance track co-written by Mr. Dolan himself and complex enough to avoid Euphoria comparisons. I’m really loving it, and I expect the stage show to appeal to me just as much. What could ruin Ryan’s chances is his vocal unreliability. I actually haven’t been able to bring myself to watch a live performance of his, because I love the song so much and don’t want to mark it down because of a rubbish live vocal. Some have said he did fine at Eurovision in Concert, whilst others were less impressed, so I’m just going to give him the benefit of my own doubt until semi final 1. He’s sandwiched between two ballads, one of which is incredibly yawn-worthy, so he should stand out. I will be praying for Ireland to prove that they don’t need a pair of hyperactive siblings to get somewhere.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

ISRAEL

Rak Bishvilo by Moran Mazor 

Sounds like: Milim by Harel Skaat

IMO: Now for someone who will have no trouble singing like a champ – the bespectacled, boob-baring Moran from Israel (whose specs and chest may distract from the vocal performance, but still). Her ballad is one of the better ones going to Malmö. It’s pretty but dramatic, and you can hear the emotion behind it. However (yes, there are however’s) it is quite repetitive – after what seems like the 300^th ‘rak bishvilloooo’, it’s like, ‘it’s only for him, we get it!’. And it is lacking in wow factor, which sound-alike Milim did have. I think it’s almost great, a major improvement on last year’s song that I despised, but not Israel at their absolute best.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

ITALY

L’essenziale by Marco Mengoni

Top 10 material: Yes

IMO: I wonder if I can I complete this review without drawing attention to how insanely attractive Marco Mengoni is? Oops, instant fail. Oh well! I like his SanRemo-winning entry almost as much as I like looking at him. It reminds me a bit of Alessandro Casillo’s É Vero, which competed in SanRemo 2012 but was ineligible for ESC selection since Alessandro was only 15…which made me sad because I LOVED that song. So thank you Mr. Mengoni, for bringing some of that to the big show. L’essenziale in its own right is pure class (how unusual coming from Italy. Not.) and for me, one of the best ballads competing. The rawness of Marco’s voice gives authenticity to the emotion within, which should make for an honest and convincing performance, during which I will do my utmost to focus on the song instead of that beautiful, beautiful face. I’m not sure L’essenziale won’t get lost in the final, because it is a simpler, less instant song than most. But I hope it makes it to the left side of the scoreboard at least.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

Ciao Italy, and hello rankings! This is how I rate these entries against each other: 

1. Hungary 12
2. Germany 12
3. Ireland 10
4. Italy 10
5. Greece 7
6. Iceland 7
7. France 7
8. Georgia 7
9. Finland 7
10. Israel 6
11. Estonia 6

Now you try?

 

What are your thoughts on my thoughts this time around? How do you rate the songs from Estonia to Italy?  

 

NEXT TIME: You’ll never guess…more reviews! Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, Malta, Moldova, Montenegro, Netherlands, Norway, Romania and Russia better brace themselves, ’cause I’m about to get all judgmental on their bee-hinds.

 

Malmö Reviews | Part 1 (Albania-Denmark)

By my calculations, there are just fourteen days until we’ll be graced by the first semi final of Eurovision 2013, live from Malmö Arena. Holy sequined hotpants! Of course, for my Australian TV-viewing self there are a few more days to factor in (as well as an extended period of internet avoidance) but it’s worth the wait for an unspoiled HD experience that doesn’t take place at 3 o’clock in the morning.

Basically, there’s so much to do and so little time to do it in, especially since giving the cold shoulder to everyone I know who’s going to Sweden takes up so many hours. So, just before we’re officially in Eurovision month, allow me to introduce the first installment of my 2013 reviews, featuring Albania, Armenia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Belgium, Bulgaria, Croatia, Cyprus and Denmark. These come complete with awarded points and extreme judgment. I hope you enjoy the read, and please stick around ‘til the end for a ranking and to let me know where you stand on this group of ten.

First up for the year is… 

 

ALBANIA

Identitet by Adrian & Bledar

Better than 2012: No

IMO: Rock on, Albania. ROOOOCK OOOOONNN! I’m not saying that because I’m wildly enthusiastic about this entry. It’s more a case of ‘we have ourselves some rock muzak from Albania for the first time! Intriguing!’. And it is pretty good rock, don’t get me wrong. I find the whole thing generally catchy, and I think the verses are equally as strong as the choruses – in fact, the choruses sound like they’re taking their hats off to the verses (a.k.a. complementing them on a job well done). Making the decision to leave Identitet in Albanian was a good one. In English it would have been a middling rock number, but the mystery of the native language gives it an extra bit of ‘oomph’ (though not to people who understand Albanian). This song won’t hit the unexpected heights of Suus, and may not even qualify (I haven’t decided yet) but as one of only two or three rock entries on offer in this year stuffed full of ballads, it adds variety to the proceedings.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

ARMENIA

Lonely Planet by Dorians

Top 10 material: No

IMO: I feel like Armenia has lost its way a bit over the last few years. They started out so strongly with acts like André, Sirusho and Eva Rivas. But then, out of the blue, came Emmy’s fail Boom-Boom, followed by a year of absence…and now, this. I think I speak for everyone who isn’t from Azerbaijan when I say I was hoping they’d come back in 2013 with a bang. But Lonely Planet, despite its unashamed rockiness and good intent, is more of a gentle knock. I did appreciate it more after my most recent listen than my first, but like the Russian song, the schmaltzy message it conveys just feels contrived (though not as contrived as What If’’s). Gor Sujyan’s combination of yelling and vocal gymnastics is jarring, particularly when heard live, so that doesn’t bode well for Eurovision. Having said all of that, I don’t hate it by any means. I just prefer the old tassel-shaking, apricot-harvesting Armenia, and I think this might be staying in the semi – just like Emmy.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 5 points.  

 

AUSTRIA

Shine by Natália Kelly

Sounds like: More To Life by Stacie Orrico

IMO: I’ve had trouble in the past getting into entries called Shine. This time around, Shine was the best song in Austria’s fairly weak NF line-up, but again, I won’t be professing my undying love for it anytime soon. It’s one of those songs that make you smile and maybe sing along with the chorus a couple of times, but after the third or fourth listen gets a bit boring. It also has a super-awkward key change. I do like it more than the Shines of the past (don’t hate me for giving Georgia 2010 a miss); it’s quite sweet and radio-friendly, and Natália looks and sounds pretty when she’s performing it. It will probably improve on Austria’s dreadful result – lowest of the low – from last year, but I can’t imagine it having the interest factor for enough people to push it a heap higher. I’d rate Woki Mit Deim Popo higher myself (but then I’ve always been weird).

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

AZERBAIJAN

Hold Me by Farid Mammadov

Top 10 material: Yes

IMO: This song is a mish-mash of two different ballads to my ears: the first, a dark and contemporary one (as heard in the verses and bridge), the second a dated and clichéd one (that’s the choruses). As a result, I love the verses but really dislike the chorus. The fact that those verses are so good and that Farid is a decent vocalist should be tipping me towards enjoying the entry as a whole, and just accepting the bad parts. But the fact that so many fans are raving about it like it’s the best thing since the invention of wind machines, and insisting that it’s going to win, is freaking me out. In spite of the pros here, I think there are far better songs in the competition, and that this deserves to end up around 10^th-16^th position in the final (there’s no doubt it’s going through). But this is Azerbaijan we’re talking about, so expect a low to mid-top 10 result for Farid at least, especially if he borrows Sabina Babayeva’s projection dress. That would be a sight worth voting for.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.  

 

BELARUS

Solayoh by Alyona Lanskaya

Sounds like: Aphrodisiac by Eleftheria Eleftheriou

IMO: Just when I thought time travel was totally impossible, Belarus went and transported us all straight back to Eurovision circa 2005 with this cliché-ridden summer “hit”. What with the way it came about and the fact that it replaced Rhythm of Love which I really liked, I want to hate it, and in some ways I do. It is dated (literally…it wasn’t just written that way), predictable, and unimaginative. But in other ways, damn, it’s good. It’s so catchy I can’t help singing along to it, and I suspect Europe will be too when Alyona steps onstage in May, hopefully wearing a foot-high turban made of tropical fruit. It reminds me of I Love Belarus in that it’s a replacement song that has become a guilty pleasure. Can I also point out how random Alexander Rybak’s appearance in the music video is? Maybe he was so pissed off that the song he composed for NMGP didn’t win, he figured he’d crash anyone’s Eurovision campaign he could manage (yes, I know he’s Belarusian-born, but it’s still random).

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 7 points.

 

BELGIUM

Love Kills by Roberto Bellarosa

Better than 2012: Yes

IMO: We’ve all witnessed the horror that was the Belgian national final (and I use the term ‘national final’ loosely) which certainly played a part in the instant negative reaction to this chosen song. In spite of that, I was one of the few to develop a fondness for it immediately, and since the revamped version was released, that fondness has only grown stronger. I also have a slight fondness for Roberto, but let’s not discuss that. Call me crazy, but this is my personal favourite Belgian entry since 2004’s 1 Life, and Urban Trad’s Sanomi before that (I never got the whole Tom Dice thing). I think Love Kills is pretty contemporary, and I like the beat, the melody and the lyrics. I don’t expect it to do well, although if the staging is polished and more interesting than last year’s (not a big ask) and Roberto’s vocal is on point, Belgium may surprise us all. But while being scheduled next-to-last after the incredibly boring Cyprus is a blessing, coming before the similarly-paced song from Serbia (a country with infinitely better chances of qualifying) is likely to be a curse on a nice, uplifting pop song.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

BULGARIA

Samo Shampioni by Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankulov

Top 10 material: No

IMO: The result of BNT’s massive Eurovision-themed survey of 2012 was the rounding up of their most successful entrants ever. Clearly, the pressure is on Elitsa and Stoyan to do the same thing they (surprisingly, let’s admit it) managed to do in Helsinki with Water. But can they do it six years later with Samo Shampioni? This song has elements that remind me a lot of that previous entry, mainly Elitsa’s wailing and Stoyan’s drum-beating which puts the Moldovan grandmamma to shame. The wailing and drumming is what these guys do, so that’s only natural. Then there are some elements in the music that make it less ethnic and more contemporary than Water. It’s almost ethno-dance, and certainly stands out from the other 38 songs. However, I don’t think it has the legs to be a sure qualifier, let alone equal or top the 2007 5^th place. People who voted for Water might find this too derivative or not derivative enough, and people who didn’t or are seeing the duo for the first time might just be disturbed. Who knows what the juries will make of it.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

CROATIA

Mižerja by Klapa s Mora

Better than 2012: No

IMO: Croatia’s ethnic entries have a history of success when compared to their more mainstream pop songs. I hope that trend continues this year, since the country has spent the last three contests stuck in the semis and it’s about time they found a way out. This very ethnic entry has a lot going for it, which could make that happen. First and foremost, the guys are brilliant vocalists who can harmonise like nobody’s business, and as we now know, great vocals are part of what the juries will be listening for. Then, there’s the lovely, classy song, which may be called ‘Misery’ but isn’t half as depressing as say, the Dutch song. It sticks out for being something other than a club thumper or cheesy ballad, and I applaud Croatia for returning to their musical heritage. I will applaud even harder if they qualify. They did in Moscow with the not-entirely-dissimilar Lijepa Tena, even if it was by the skin of their teeth, so maybe that magic will work again.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

CYPRUS

An Me Thimase by Despina Olympiou

Better than 2012: No

IMO: And the award for ‘Song Most Likely To Be Everyone’s Toilet Break’ goes to…An Me Thimase! This award will be presented in my head by Iris, the performer of last year’s winner, Would You. There’s at least one entry each year that sends me to sleep, and unfortunately, after four years of songs I still enjoy, in 2013 it’s from Cyprus. This is verging on nice, but has anyone ever wanted to fist pump for a ‘nice’ song? When this comes on, you’ve barely got time to form a fist, let alone pump it, before you’re snoring your head off. The chorus, which takes up 80% of the running time, has no catchy hook to latch on to, and as a result, three minutes here feel like ten. No doubt it will be beautifully sung, but I don’t think there’s any amount of props or costume reveals the Cypriots can whip out of their Mary Poppins handbag to get Despina to the final.

Winner, loser or grower: Loser. 3 points.

 

DENMARK

Only Teardrops by Emmelie de Forest

Best lyric: ‘We’re on the edge tonight, no shooting star to guide us.’

IMO: I mentioned before how I never ‘got’ Tom Dice. His was a song that I knew was good, that I knew had merit, but that I just couldn’t get into. I feel exactly the same way about Emmelie’s Only Teardrops, the favourite to win Eurovision 2013. It’s clearly a good song, quite original, ethnic (albeit in a very Irish way) and, to use a term I haven’t used since describing this entry prior to Dansk MGP, rousing. And yet, it doesn’t rouse anything in me personally. It’s a definite qualifier, and I’d be happy for it to win if it means Azerbaijan doesn’t swoop in again with an average ballad and wipe out the superior competition…but…meh. The most exciting thing about that victory to me would be Denmark winning on Swedish soil exactly as they did back in 2000 (I love me some spooky patterns). PS – Emmelie is a good performer and probably a very nice person, so I wish her luck with her career, no matter what happens in Malmö. And I hope she finds some shoes in the near future.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

So that’s part 1 of 4 done and dusted, and with that, here are my personal standings:

1. Belgium 10
2. Croatia 7
3. Albania 7
4. Denmark 7
5. Belarus 7
6. Bulgaria 6
7. Azerbaijan 6
8. Austria 6
9. Armenia 5
10. Cyprus 3

What do you think? Bring on the disagreement (and if you’re one of the rare breed to agree with me, I welcome that too). Which of these entries are hot and which are so not?

 

PS – Drop by later in the week for part 2 of the Malmö Reviews, featuring Estonia, Finland, Georgia, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland and Israel, plus the first of the Big Fivers: France, Germany and Italy.

 

Flashbaku: My most-played entries, one year on

Before I had a looksee at my play stats of the Baku 42, I had zero expectations. What with my ever-changing moods and the bias my iPod seems to have towards particular songs when it’s on shuffle mode (I swear those things have minds of their own and will one day rise up and take control of planet Earth) there was no guarantee that the entries I rated the highest a year ago would make equally high appearances on this list. It turns out that, while some of them clawed their way up, songs that I didn’t realise I had a penchant for bumped others way down. I’ll let you decide which are which, as I present to you the 20 entries of 2012 that I’ve listened to most since May.

 

#1 | Love Unlimited by Sofi Marinova

If you happened to be drinking when you read this, I apologise for the liquid you just spat out all over yourself in shock and/or horror. Then again, if you’ve read me before you should know that I am probably the #1 fan of this song, worldwide. I don’t think Sofi herself loves it as much as I do (although she has had to sing it a billion times, so the boredom must have set in by now). So why have I played it more times than any other of the 2012 entries? Well, I just think it’s incredibly catchy (great to dance wildly to in the comfort of any place where there are no other humans present), I love the mixed languages in the chorus (great for singing along to in the same situation) and I find it super motivating (great for jogging to, etc). What a useful song it is.

#2 | Waterline by Jedward

#3 | Euphoria by Loreen

#4 | Zaleilah by Mandinga

I’ve been playing zaleilah-leilah-lay almost everyday, everybody.

#5 | Kuula by Ott Lepland

#6 | När Jag Blundar by Pernilla Karlsson

I want to compare this to Hungary ’13, being the simple, quiet and pretty but not too well-liked song that it is, that I and a few others I know LOVE. But Kedvesem has actually proved itself more popular than I expected, so you’re on your own, Pernilla. I think this song is really beautiful, well constructed and has a lovely sentiment (having been written by Pernilla’s brother for their mother and all). It gets me all misty-eyed even though I have no idea what she’s singing about because I never bothered to translate the lyrics #mybad. But they say music is the universal language, so if I can get the emotion without knowing what’s being said, that’s acceptable, right?  

#7 | Love Me Back by Can Bonomo

#8 | Aphrodisiac by Eleftheria Eleftheriou

That’s one high-powered wind machine ya got there, Greece.

#9 | Verjamem by Eva Boto

#10 | Be My Guest by Gaitana

#11 | La La Love by Ivi Adamou

Here’s a song I didn’t think douze-worthy at first, but have gotten more and more obsessed with over the last year. It’s a good thing we’ll have this genuine Cypriot gem and the awesome stage show that accompanied it to cling on to while Despina Olympiou takes to the Malmö stage and bores us all to death (more on that in my upcoming reviews). La La Love wound up 16^th in the final, which is an excellent result for Cyprus (it’s practically a win, like it would be for Austria, Switzerland, and co) although once it had qualified I was predicting it to do better. Maybe Ivi’s average vocal was to blame; though that didn’t stop Eric Saade from coming 3^rd…

#12 | Quédate Conmigo by Pastora Soler

#13 | Standing Still by Roman Lob

#14 | Woki Mit Deim Popo by Trackshittaz

My ultimate guilty pleasure from last year’s lineup.

#15 | Nije Ljubav Stvar by Željko Joksimović

#16 | Sound Of Our Hearts by Compact Disco

#17 | We Are The Heroes by Litesound

This, even in its post-NF disco-lite version, is SO much better than the tropical trash (albeit damn catchy tropical trash) Belarus are sending this year. The unfortunate thing is that Alyona will likely be much more successful than Litesound, and then she’ll knock on their doors and point and laugh at them because they “stole” her ticket to Eurovision 2012 and she’ll have gotten her revenge. Or perhaps not. Anyway, back to We Are The Heroes: another song written expressly to motivate me when I’m on the treadmill and this close to bailing. Thanks, guys.

#18 | Nebo by Nina Badrić

#19 | Laŭtar by Pasha Parfeny

#20 | When The Music Dies by Sabina Babayeva

Rounding out my most-played list is Baku’s host entry. I have long suspected that Sabs was referring to Running Scared as the thing that made the music die. But that’s irrelevant. This isn’t my favourite entry from Azerbaijan, but it’s one I’m still liking all these months later. I didn’t think it was going to do as well as it did, but I think we’ve all learnt that the power of Azerbaijan-representing, Swedish-penned ballads cannot be underestimated.

 

I’ve showed you mine – show me yours? Which entries of last year have you been playing on repeat?

 

Flashbaku: An Azerbaijan-tastic, bumper Baku quiz!

I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t think us grown-ups get enough opportunities to do childish things, unless we happen to work in a daycare centre (which would be fine by me if there was no kids involved). So for all of you who, like me, spend too much time wishing it was socially acceptable for a twenty-something to finger paint, hula hoop and watch movies starring Hilary Duff, I’ve put together this thought-provoking, Baku-themed quiz…complete with FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS GAMES *insert squeals here*!

This isn’t the first quiz I’ve posted, but I’d like to think this is the hardest (even if it really isn’t). It’s more a test of your memory than anything else, so if you’ve watched the contest a few times over the past year and/or read my Flashbaku recap last week, you should do alright. Not that it matters if you don’t, since there’s nothing up for grabs and nobody will be there to see you succeed or fail. Winning.

So, the only “rules” are:

- All facts have been checked to the best of my ability, and all lyrics have been verified via the official 2012 fan book. If you do spot a mistake, feel free to pick me up on it, but be nice, because it’s nice to be nice to the nice.

- You can find the answers at the bottom of the post. If you decide to cheat, fine, but be warned: Dana International WILL hunt you down and make you walk up the main street of your town wearing her feathered Gaultier.

- Let me know how you did in the comments. I managed to get 100%, but I’m guessing being the person who came up with the Qs and As had something to do with that.

Without further ado, I want to know…

 

  

THE ARTISTS

Random trivia

a) Macedonia’s Kaliopi failed to pass the pre-qualifying round of a previous ESC with her song Samo Ti. In which year did this take place?

b) What is the real name of Max Jason Mai from Slovakia?

c) What about Donny Montell from Lithuania?

d) Željko Joksimović took to the ESC stage for the second time as composer/artist in Baku. He represented Serbia; but how many other countries has Željko composed a Eurovision song for?

e) Eventual winner Loreen had attempted to represent Sweden in 2011 via Melodifestivalen. What was her entry called?

f) How old was Rona Nishliu when she stepped onstage last year – 25, 28 or 32?

g) Which TV talent show did Ott Lepland win in his home country in 2009?

h) Which member of Pernilla Karlsson’s family wrote her entry När Jag Blundar?

i) What did Buranovskiye Babushki want to do with any proceeds from entering Eurovision?

j) Elena Ionescu fronted Mandinga in Baku. Which past Romanian representative used to be the lead vocalist of the group?

k) Which 2012 artist was once a member of the Sunstroke Project, who represented Moldova in Oslo?

l) Jedward are not known for their conservative clothing. Which snack food did they dress up as during rehearsal week?

m) Who did Roman Lob beat in the Unser Star Für Baku final to win his ticket to Eurovision?

n) Which artist purposely performed without an earpiece during her semi-final?

 

Unscramble these artist names:

a) CKARHTZTIATS

b) IRNA OHDKAZEJ

c) NIUSSPL

d) CAMPCOT SOCID

e) YAMRAN

f) HAAPS FREAPNY

g) NCA MOONBO

h) TIGAAAN

 

THE SONGS

Fill in the blanks of these titles:

a) N_ _ _   _ _ u _ _ _   _ t _ _ r

b)  _ h _ _ _ d’_ _   _ _ _ _ _   B_ _ _e_

c)  _ _ h_ (_ _ _   _ n _   _)

d) E_ r _   _ _ _ r_

e) _ _h_ _ _ i_i_ _

f)  _ _ _ la

 

What is the first line of lyrics in each of these songs?

a) Beautiful Song by Anmary

b) The Social Network Song by Valentina Monetta

c) You And Me by Joan Franka

d) Euphoria by Loreen

e) L’amore é Femmina by Nina Zilli  

f) When The Music Dies by Sabina Babayeva 

g) Would You? by Iris

 

And which songs do these first lines belong to?

a) ‘You can do anything you want’

b) ‘The whole big world is just one place’

c) ‘I hear music as I walk down the street’

d) ‘When the day becomes the night, you know that I’ll think of you’

e) ‘So graceful and pure, a smile bathed in light’

f) ‘When the night is falling from the sky’

g) ‘She’s singing softly in the night’

h) ‘At the wedding tonight she looks nicer than the bride’

 

What do these titles translate to in English?

a) Suus

b) Korake Ti Znam

c) Kuula

d) Quédate Conmigo

e) Crno I Belo

f) Vida Minha

g) Verjamem

 

THE SHOWS AND THE RESULTS

Random trivia

a) What are the full names of the three hosts?

b) Name the previous contest winners who supplied the interval act of semi 2 – in order of appearance.

c) Which country was the last to be announced as a qualifier in semi 1?

d) What about semi 2?

e) Which former Eurovision hostess could be seen in the green room on Thursday and Saturday nights, providing moral support for her husband?

f) How many lots of douze points did Loreen receive in the final?

 

Which countries did these props belong to?

a) A bench made of books

b) A laptop computer

c) Pole-dance poles

d) A water fountain

e) A pizza oven

 

Which country…

a) Opened the first semi final?

b) Closed the first semi final?

c) Opened the second semi final?

d) Closed the second semi final?

e) Opened the final?

f) Closed the final?

g) Won the first semi final?

h) Lost the first semi final?

i) Won the second semi final?

j) Lost the second semi final?

k) Drew the dreaded slot 2 in the final?

 

You know who won (and lost) but do you remember, on the final scoreboard, which country came…

a) 4^th?

b) 6^th?

c) 11^th?

d) 16^th?

e) 22^nd?

f) 24^th?

 

 

Congratulations (as Cliff Richard would say if he wasn’t currently in the toilet)! You’ve made it to le end of le quiz. Now it’s time to see how you did.

Answer alert!

↓

↓

↓

↓

↓

 THE ANSWERS

The Artists

Random trivia: a) 1996 b) Miroslav Šmajda c) Donatas Montvydas d) 2, technically – Bosnia & Herzegovina and Serbia & Montenegro e) My Heart Is Refusing Me f) 25 g) Eesti Otsib Superstaari, or Estonian Idol h) Her brother i) Build a church in their village j) Elena Gheorghe k) Pasha Parfeny l) Popcorn m) Ornella de Santis n) Sofi Marinova

Unscramble: a) Trackshittaz b) Anri Jokhadze c) Sinplus d) Compact Disco e) Anmary f) Pasha Parfeny g) Can Bonomo h) Gaitana

The Songs

Fill in the blanks: a) Nije Ljubav Stvar b) Should’ve Known Better c) Echo (You and I) d) Euro Neuro e) Aphrodisiac f) Kuula

First lines: a) ‘I was born in distant 1980’ b) ‘Are you ready for a little chat?’ c) ‘I was five, you were three, we were dancing in the street’ d) ‘Why, why can’t this moment last forever more?’ e) ‘Unbelievable, I can’t wait to go’ f) ‘You, you are my best friend’ g) ‘Come and find me, I’ve been hiding from you’

First line, which song: a) Unbreakable b) Sound of Our Hearts c) Stay d) Love Is Blind e) Love Will Set You Free f) We Are The Heroes g) Never Forget h) Laŭtar

Title translations: a) Personal b) I know your steps c) Listen d) Stay with me e) Black and white f) Life of mine g) I believe

The Shows and The Results

Random trivia: a) Leila Aliyeva, Nargiz Birk-Petersen and Eldar Gasimov b) Dima Bilan, Marija Šerifović, Alexander Rybak, Lena, Ell & Nikki c) Ireland d) Turkey e) Jovana Janković f) 18

Props: a) Cyprus b) San Marino c) Austria d) Ireland e) Russia

Which country: a) Montenegro b) Ireland c) Serbia d) Lithuania e) United Kingdom f) Moldova g) Russia h) Austria i) Sweden j) Slovakia k) Hungary

Final scoreboard: a) Azerbaijan b) Estonia  c) Moldova d) Cyprus e) France f) Hungary

 

So, ladies and gents…how well DID you remember Baku??

 

Flashbaku: Naming and shaming the doppelgangers of 2012

Not that there’s anything shameful about having a lookalike. In fact, if I had one I’d be honoured. But apart from my nose bearing a slight resemblance to Roberto Bellarosa’s from the right (or wrong) angle, I’m yet to stumble upon my sister from another mister. So it’s lucky I can at least live vicariously through the doppelgangers that abound in the ESC.

Having kicked off my Flashbaku series last week (with a side-splitting recap of the 2012 contest which you simply MUST read if you missed it then…pretty please?) this particular exposé of long-lost twins is naturally centered on the 42 artists who competed in Azerbaijan. There are a few included here you may remember from previous posts, or just your own observations, but the rest are brand new. Give or take a few years and/or cosmetic procedures, and these resemblances are uncanny. Kind of.

 

Albania’s Rona Nishliu looks like animated Snow White’s Wicked Queen

I’ll admit, I didn’t notice this resemblance until the collective Twitterverse saw fit to point it out about 0.35 seconds after Rona had opened her mouth to sing (I guess I was distracted by that errant dreadlock). But there was definitely something about her unique look that screamed ‘villainous Disney bitch not only willing, but eager, to off you and eat your heart if you happen to be prettier than she is’.

 

Bosnia & Herzegovina’s MayaSar looks like Australian media personality Mia Freedman

Coincidentally (or maybe not?) Maya also settled on a witchy, evil queeny-type outfit for her Eurovision performance. But when the dangerously pointed shoulder pads are nowhere to be seen, I reckon she could play Mia’s sister in a heartwarming telemovie in which one of them can’t get pregnant and the other offers to be her surrogate. Just as an example.

 

Cyprus’ Ivi Adamou looks like American actress Liv Tyler

Here’s one you’ve seen before; but in my opinion, there are never enough occasions on which one can say how much Ivi and Liv look like they were separated at birth. Even their first names are similar. And Ivi being Steven Tyler’s secret daughter would explain where her musical genes came from.

 

Estonia’s Ott Lepland looks like UK singer and X Factor judge Gary Barlow

Matching suits, facial hair, intense browlines and brands of hair gel? What more proof do you need that these two share a resemblance? I bet a morning hasn’t gone by since Baku when Gary didn’t roll out of bed, go to the bathroom to brush his teeth, see his reflection in the mirror and think to himself, ‘My God, I look a little bit like Estonia’s own Ott Lepland!’.

 

Greece’s Eleftheria Eleftheriou looks like former ESC hostess Maria Menounos

There’s nothing better than an inter-ESC pair of lookalikes, and to top this one off, they’re both part Greek. Maria stood alongside/flirted with Sakis Rouvas as co-compere of the 2006 contest, and Eleftheria stood alongside/probably flirted with him when she participated in Greece’s X Factor a few years ago. So it’s not just appearances that these two have in common.

 

Hostess Leyla Aliyeva looks like Spanish actress Penelope Crúz

Let’s face it, the only difference between Leyla and Pene is that, to my knowledge, Leyla has never cavorted around on a pirate ship with Johnny Depp. Unfortunately for her. They clearly go to the same hairdresser and dress for formal events with funerals in mind.

 

Iceland’s Jónsi looks like Frankenstein’s monster

I never thought I’d be comparing the chiseled magnificence of Jónsi to something made up of multiple people’s body parts, but that monster of Dr. Frankenstein’s has got some serious cheekbones on him. The likeness doesn’t stop there, however – check out the mouth, and that intense brow (again with intense brows!) AND the stiff tailoring of the suits. Don’t worry Jónsi. If you were in fact stitched together by a crazed GP then he sure chose some good-lookin’ bits to work with.

 

Moldova’s Pasha Parfeny looks like Irish actor Colin Farrell

This pairing rivals Ivi and Liv’s (Livi’s?) as the most striking of 2012. I can’t even say for certain that Pasha and Colin aren’t one and the same, especially since Colin is a big fan of the ladies and Pasha appeared on stage with the entire female population of Moldova. We haven’t heard much from the Irishman lately…could that be because he’s been busy composing and playing piano for Aliona Moon?

 

Russia’s Buranovskiye Babushki look like this set of matryoshka dolls

I bet you didn’t see this coming. NOT. We’ve all thought it – does the teeniest Russian granny fit inside the next size up, and so on? Did they only take up one plane seat on their flight to Baku because of this? Maybe we’ll never know. The grannies are 100% as cute as these wooden creations though, and much more huggable.

 

Slovakia’s Max Jason Mai looks like US talk-show host Chelsea Handler

Since MJM is a guy in his twenties and Chelsea is an almost-forty-year-old woman, this is more a case of the possibility that she’s his mother than anything else. They both have trademark blonde locks, although I’d have to say that Max’s are more impressive. Chelsea does tend to wear more clothing on a regular basis, but apart from that, they could totally be related.

 

Sweden’s Loreen looks like Canadian model/actress Hannah Simone

Yeah, I know it’s the hair. I think we can all agree though, that there are a heck of a lot of people who look less like Loreen than Hannah does, and that’s got to count for something.

 

Switzerland’s Ivan Broggini looks like American actor Eric Mabius

I could have cheated and put the frontman of Sinplus next to a photo of his brother Gabriel, but I wanted to put in a bit more effort than that for you guys (plus, they don’t even look very similar). Strip away the differing hair and eye colour – as well as a whole bunch of other stuff – and you’ll see the similarities here. I hope… 

 

Did any of these have you seeing double? Which doppelgangers did you spot in the class of 2012?